1. IT’S TAKING TOO LONG
The time that this matter takes is affected by many different factors: the attitude of each of the parties, the number of issues that have to be resolved, the type of assets involved, children’s issues, the age of the children, the attitudes of the extended family, health issues and, unfortunately, sometimes the attitude of the advisers to the parties.
Your Lawyer should stay focused on getting you to your goal. If this means either a hardball or softball approach is the best strategy, then they should advise on that.
Some of these matters are resolved very quickly with co-operation and a measure of goodwill between all of the parties. Some will resolve quickly but then take time to finalise due to the complexity of issues relating to assets and logistical arrangements for children. Some will fall into dispute at the end; and some, unfortunately, will need to be hard-fought every step of the way.
Even if your partner is acting irrationally or belligerently, you can assist in keeping these matters to their shortest possible time frame by:-
(i) Co-operating and providing timely instructions to us;
(ii) Taking the time to understand the process and your place in it;
(iii) Keeping your credit arrangements up to date;
(iv) Not buying into the emotional tug-of-war and staying focused on your goal;
(v) Seeing your adviser as your guide rather than somebody to argue with;
(vi) Working with them rather than aiming your frustrations at them. They are here to help you but we are only part of a multi-party process and if your partner is being irrational and causing trouble, your best move is to be logical, sensible and focused.
2. IT’S COSTING TOO MUCH
Unfortunately, when the Government set up the Family Law system in the mid 1970’s, they decided that there should be a “no fault” system. Part of this process means that Orders from one party to pay the costs of the other, even if they have not complied with the Rules, are frustratingly rare. This is changing to some extent but it is true that there is insufficient penalty for parties who delay and defy Court Orders. The same factors that relate to delay also relate to cost. Your advisers are there to follow your instructions and to try and get you to your goal as quickly and simply as possible. If your opponent will not co-operate in that, then the positive use of the Court system is your only option.
The cost of running this matter will, unless you can prove to the Court that particular parts of it are your opponent’s fault, have to be paid by you.
Whether this matter resolves quickly and simply depends to a large degree upon your opponent and his or her adviser, and is out of our control. Your adviser can influence this outcome however, and so can you. Your assistance in staying focused on the goal, not engaging in irrelevant and emotional issues, and thinking about your conduct and how it fits in with your goals, is absolutely vital.
3. MY EX WON’T RESPOND
There may come a time where you are simply not getting anywhere, either because you can’t get a response or the response is not advancing things. At that stage if there is no advantage in continuing to negotiate, your adviser will recommend to you that you start Court proceedings. This choice is yours, but you do risk the matter drifting on and wasting time and costs if you delay this step.
You also risk encouraging your opponent in this conduct.
4. WHAT CAN I DO TO SPEED IT UP?
Ultimately, it is the outcome that is important more so than the speed with which it is achieved.
Having said that, getting the matter resolved quickly and simply is important. You need to recognise however that your Ex may have a different agenda. Your Ex may not be emotionally ready to focus on the issues. This may mean that the matter does not progress as quickly or settle as simply as you would like.
You can influence this by:-
(i) Staying focused on the issues;
(ii) Not unnecessarily antagonising your opponent;
(iii) Negotiating whilst that is viable but seeking the Court process if it is not;
(iv) Giving proper, timely instructions and providing documents as quickly as possible;
(v) Engaging with your advisers rather than taking a combative, belligerent attitude.
Unfortunately, many clients fall into the trap of seeing their advisers as people to argue with. These clients are unable to argue with their former partner and, deprived of that opportunity, use their advisers for this outlet. Not only does it make the adviser’s job more difficult, it slows down the process, causes unnecessary distraction in the conduct of the matter, and increases the costs.
If you believe that your adviser is incorrect, or you do not understand the agenda, ask questions until you do. If you are still unsatisfied or have a lack of confidence about the advice you are receiving, CHANGE ADVISERS.
5. BEING SIDETRACKED WITH OTHER ISSUES (KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE PRIZE)
A significant number of Family Law matters get side-tracked and go round and round with emotional and other small issues which are blown out of perspective.
Each year many millions of dollars around Australia are miss-spent arguing about whether a child is returned from access with dirty knees, or a look that one party gave another at an access hand-over.
Dozens of applications a year are brought to Courts dealing with small issues that parties will not let go.
It is important at the commencement of the matter to realise:-
(i) Your opponent will most likely be quite unhappy with the outcome of the relationship and might be thinking of some kind of petty point-scoring exercise;
(ii) You need to determine what outcomes you need from this process;
(iii) You need to determine a pathway to those goals;
(iv) It is important to keep those goals uppermost in your mind if delaying or distracting tactics are being used;
(v) You need to decide what issues are important to you and stick to achieving a resolution of those issues.
Unfortunately for many people, the dispute becomes the focus, almost a comfort. It is their thing, it is what they do.
Becoming focused and embroiled in a petty point-scoring process that never ends, is almost a comfort to them and a substitute for thinking about the real factors behind the breakdown of the relationship, or what they will do when the matter is finalised.
If you find yourself either in this situation or with one of these people as an opponent, it will help to write down the goals you wish to reach in the process, and to speak with your adviser about writing a program to reach them.
You will then be able to determine whether a particular issue is important to you or can be ignored. This may also take some of the emotion out of both the process and your interaction with your opponent.
6. SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO MY EX
Contact with your opponent is unavoidable and on-going in many cases. This can be seen as:-
(i) An opportunity to influence the outcome;
(ii) A chance to cause trouble and make your opponent feel miserable (usually setting back the process many months);
(iii) A major recurring traumatic experience that shapes your world and creates never-ending turmoil.
This contact is inevitable and necessary, particularly if there are children involved.
It is important to approach these pieces of contact with your goal in mind, using this contact to work towards the outcomes that you want.
If you allow yourself the luxury of a short-term, feel-good, destructive argument, you will be stepping away from your goals.
Of course, this does not mean shrinking from an argument if your goals are at risk.
You can expect at these contact points that your opponent will have his or her own agenda and may seek to cajole, bully, sweet-talk, or outright deceive you into taking a step or conceding a point which is not in your interests.
A cold, simple assessment of whether this step matches your goals, rather than an emotional response, will allow you to keep the upper-hand.
7. KEEPING CLEAN HANDS
One of the biggest problems that we as advisers have in these types of matters is trying to explain to clients the importance of keeping clean hands, that is, not engaging in conduct which shows you to a court in a bad light.
When faced with the provocation of an opponent who is continually breaking the rules, missing deadlines, ignoring Orders, breaching undertakings and using manipulative behaviour (particularly manipulating children involved), it is extremely tempting to use the same tactics and reciprocate.
Unfortunately, though the Court Rules allow for significant penalties for this behaviour, those penalties are too rarely and too lightly meeted out. This is an added provocation for you.
What I can tell you is that descending into reciprocal conduct will:-
(i) Exponentially increase the amount of time and costs to resolve the matter;
(ii) Constantly drag the matter off the main issues and into irrelevant side issues which are not necessary for the resolution of the matter (perhaps this is the agenda of your Ex);
(iv) Quite likely lead to Court proceedings over small secondary issues depleting the assets available to both of the parties, and fuelling a permanent resentment between you and your opponent, and between your children and both parties.
Attention to detail is vital in the conduct and “winning” of these types of matters. It is important to remember however:-
(a) “Winning” means reaching your goals rather than depriving your opponent of their goals; and
(b) Attention to detail should not be confused with a manic obsessive focus on irrelevant trivia.
8. CASH FLOW – HOW DO I PAY MY BILLS IF I HAVE NO ACCESS TO MONEY
A common anxiety for people in a pending separation is worrying about how to pay bills with no access to family bank accounts, and no ability to earn income. This is not always a gender based issue but in traditional household units it is often the wife who has given up the chance of a career, and any job prospects to stay home and look after the house and the children.
Well over half the time statistically, it is the wife who will have day to day care and control of any children, and will be concerned about maintaining food, shelter and clothing for those children in a separation.
Most commonly in those scenarios, it is the husband who has generated all or the majority of the income for the family.
In those circumstances, it is a natural concern for a wife in separation to worry about how she is going to pay the bills, feed, clothe and educate the children after separation.
It is also a commonly held feeling among men that after separation their financial obligations are or should be finished. Men often ask “why should I continue to pay out money for a household that I am not allowed to live in?”
The Courts, of course, have a different view.
Whether you agree or not, the Court follows the rules set out by the Parliament in the Act. These rules start from the standpoint that both parties have contributed equally to the build-up of assets and the making of the relationship. It’s then up to the parties to shift the pendulum one way or the other based upon extraordinary contributions based upon a list of criteria set out by the Government in the Act.
At the same time, the same rules require that no party is left without any support and this is a real source of tension and conflict. Understanding how this works (whether you agree with the rules or not), is a major advantage in the process. It’s like having the map to the minefield when your opponent doesn’t.
There are subtle variations and exceptions to these very general rules and your adviser’s job is to navigate you through them to your best advantage. It is important for you to distinguish between asking questions until you understand these rules, and, on the other hand, arguing the fairness of the rules with your adviser and spending your own money for the privilege!